I have managed to lose my gruntle after all.

Mainly because I work very hard to not suck at the guitar, and although its meant to be complimentary, it seems like when people attribute my non-suckatude at the guitar to “natural talent” (of which I have none) it detracts from where I really do feel pride: my stubborn, painful, grinding persistence. It takes time and effort to not suck, my chops are hard earned.

No one makes me practice until my brain threatens to bleed out from my ears, I do that to myself. People who are naturally talented aren’t filled with the same dread and self loathing that I am when they hear themselves play.

Sometimes it feels like I have misshapen flippers attached to my wrists instead of human hands.

And I’m developing some kind of neurotic thing about practicing when my husband is around. He makes these faces when I stop to work on a chord transition, or to repeat a few measures until I get the attack just right. Matt thinks I really suck, then he acts all supportive, and reassures me that I don’t suck. I have no idea how to communicate to him that its just practice, and practice sounds bad, and I don’t need the reassurance. I know practice sounds bad, that is why it is practice.

As if that weren’t enough to give me a complete gruntle-ectomy, there are people close to me, people I love that always like to point out “You play very well for being left handed.” and I don’t know if that means if they think I play better for being left-handed or that I’m allowed to live with lower standards because I’m left-handed.I am left handed, but I play right handed.

I don’t want to ask because I have a hard time forming a question about the statement in such a way that might not be slapping down a kindly given compliment. I would just like someone to tell me the answer without me having to create the question. Is that too much to ask?

Some people might think it a little overboard to baby talk to electronic equipment, but they aren’t in the same room with this thing. They don’t know it like I do, my sweet little Marshall, my darling noisy baby amp.

I ordered a new Duncan Crybaby Wah pedal and some new strings.  And since I’m down to my last Hello Kitty pick, I figured I’d play it safe and ordered a dozen more.

You know, now that I can hear myself play aloud, and not through ear buds, I sound pretty darned adequate.

I had a couple of emails asking about the HK guitars and Squiers, and one comment that I can’t approve because the language was NSFW. Since my answers are all a little redundant they are all going here after the cut.

Squiers are a subbrand of Fender, they are considered an introductory guitar offered at an introductory cost. Epiphones are the Gibson equivolent of the Fender’s Squier. The cost of a guitar is *not* an indicator of quality. There are plenty of very expensive guitars that sound about as good as bricks wound with rubber bands and plenty of rock bottom guitars that wail, whine, moan, and sing practically by themselves.

If straight from the factory (pawnshop, best friends garage sale, or closet) your guitar doesn’t sound out well, give it a good once over. Get a soft, clean, lint free blanket and start your operation. Change the strings (one at a time, not all at once) and while you’re changing out the G and D strings (the two in the middle) clean out the truss rod. Carefully open up the back panels (again, one at a time) and blow out any dust with compressed air.) If the ends of the frets aren’t rounded carefully round them down or have them rounded down for you at the guitar shop.

If it is still not ringing out or sounds dirty, time to get your local guitar shop involved. Ask them to check out the set up, and while they’re at it change the headnut from plastic to bone.

What should I get in addition to the guitar?
Buy a whole bunch of picks, some extra strings in different flavors, a string winder (get the kind with a cutter already on it), a tuner (I have the Barcus-berry “Soul Mate” and it has never mislead me, there are more expensive ones out there, but the Soul Mate is hands down the best I’ve tried.) An amp of some sort with headphones– there’s a fair amount of sucking involved in just learning, it’s much easier to practice when you’re not worried about the suck factor.

Picks are cheap. Try different thickness, shapes, materials. Practice scales and fake book songs with at least 5 distinctly different picks. Make at least one of those a thumb pick. Memorize one scale (E phrygian mode is a good one, especially if you’re learning to sight read music for the first time) and play it 5 times, changing your pick each time. This is the best way to find your most comfortable pick, as well as your style “voice.”

I bought my(self, husband, wife, child, relative, boyfriend, girlfriend, niece, nephew, dog) a guitar but it (I, he, she, they, it) ended up frustrated and it has been in the closet for (a month, six months, a decade, four centuries) and (I, he, she, they, it) needs some advice to know that (I, he, she, they, it) will stick to it. Got any?
Tons. Crap guitars make life suck, as can the wrong guitars. Instead of getting something rockbottom cheap that is sure to frustrate, do your research and buy something workable with a fair resale value.

I’m not terribly fond of the 3/4 sized guitars, at all. My main issue is not the cuteness factor (I’m all for cuteness!) but that they tend to not tune well and it takes a much more experienced hand to make them sound good on the higher notes. A normal sized 5 year old can hold a telecaster or stratocaster just fine.

Any younger. then there are a few options depending on your  vicarious ambitions for your child.

I purchased a $15 3/4 sized guitar for Lexi when she was 3 and gave her a few picks, then only showed her how to properly hold the guitar, and how to fret without buzzing the strings, and how to hold the picks. No chords, no notes, no scales, no pressure. The running theory is that you let the child go a little Frank Zappa and make all sorts of cool noises, but make sure that proper physical form is used thus encouraging maximum creativity as well as giving a strong foundation to proper technique in the future. Supplement with a very decent autoharp so that the proverbial ear for tone and pitch can actually develop at the same time.

If it’s classical music you see in that crystal ball start with a naturally smaller instrument such as a mandolin, cavaquinho, or a lute (all of which come in electric varieties) and sign up for twice weekly lessons and encourage daily practice. Do your research and make sure that you invest in something that will have good resale value in the future or that will last your little one well into college with proper care.

Don’t make a habit of putting a guitar away where it takes any longer than a few seconds to get it out. Putting a guitar in a case and the case in the closet is the kiss of death to reliable practice. Get a rack or a stand or a wall mount and put it there to keep it safe.

If you’re trying to encourage someone else to practice, then do it by asking them to play and then clamping your mouth shut. Tightly. Staple your lips together if you need the extra help. Your (husband, wife, kid, distant relative, boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, dog) does not need your help, advice, criticism, or feedback. Making pained facial expressions counts too, if you can’t control yourself buy them headphones or leave the house for a while.

If its you you’re trying to encourage, then accept that sucking is part of learning and hide behind those headphones for a while. Don’t start out practicing for 10 hours straight. Buy a book of scales and modes, and one of chords, learn to read tabs and sheet music. Get yourself a fake book if you like. Then do the first set of scales 2-3 times, not perfectly, just make sure you play every note. Set the guitar down, walk away. Go back later in the day, or the next day, and do the same thing. If you feel really inspired, grab your fake book, find an easy song and do the first couple of bars.

Lather, rinse and repeat daily.

Always address any discomfort right away and solve it. When I first started playing it was with a crappy brutally bad no-name acoustic guitar, the frets weren’t rounded (and I habitually ripped skin from the fingers of my left hand right off with those frets), it had no sustaining sound at all, the two lowest strings buzzed no matter what I did from the 2nd frets on down, it continually went out of tune, and since I didn’t have anyone that could tell me what was going wrong, I thought it was all me.

Tis a poor sculpter that blames the clay, after all. Right?

Wrong. But I didn’t have anyone for a few years that told me I was blaming myself where the guitar failed. So I practiced away, simultaneously sounding awful and literally bleeding my way through each chord. I was (mercifully) eventually set straight and had a very nice guitar placed in my hands, and so the cycle of abuse (and poor self esteem) ended.

I also learned that the right chair can make all the difference in the world. Try your office chair, your diningroom chairs, your couch, your bean bag, steal a bar stool, try it out. You don’t have to look cool, you just need to be able to play comfortably.

Once you have the right chair, find something to prop your left foot on. A box, a block, a stepping stool, a couple of phone books. Sitting with your leg crossed for a little while is okay, but when you’re really going strong and want to keep on playing, being able to put that foot up helps tons.

I’ll be happy to answer any more questions, just remember that I’m not really an expert (but then maybe that’s my appeal, experts are so intimidating sometimes.) wendy at yarnporn dot com or leave a comment.