My dogs will never be vegetarians. I appreciate your sentiment about my animals eating other animals, but they were designed to eat other animals so I’m not going interfere. Besides Greta’s bowels do bad things when she manages to get a single corn chip, and as much as she loves a nice raw head of cabbage last time she got at one the neighbors called the city suspecting that we had a corpse rotting in our backyard.

Actually, rotting corpse would have been an improvement. CSI wouldn’t have scooped that poop. Lawrence Fishburne’s character would have been all “F–k this, I quit.” and then he would have stormed off, the rest of the episode would be the other characters trying to figure out who stepped in what and where did Lawrence Fishburne go?

Bacon grease is an essential ingredient in blueberry muffins. It makes them last longer, taste better, and its cheaper than coconut oil which frankly does a 2nd rate job. I will make you any other type of muffin, even the cranberry ones, completely vegan if you like but I draw the line at my blueberry muffin recipe.

Tofu is awesome, stop pretending that its a meat replacement and accept it as tofu. I will defile neither tofu nor my meatloaf recipe attempting to appease your perverse appetite that craves both moral superiority and down home good cooking at the same time.

Justify it all you like, if you are vegan and don’t eat beans and bean products you are a crappy (and likely malnourished) vegan, pastatarians don’t count. Fake chicken nuggets and egg free ramen do NOT have enough protein to keep your brain functioning, which is probably why you feel like crap and don’t have the mental acuity to calculate exactly how much protein you need to eat each day.

Finally, I’ll happily make as many vegan portions for dinner as there are vegans, which tends to include enough for seconds if you like and a bit extra for the omnivores to sample if they like. Do NOT pout because you don’t feel included or because you think I’m trying to single you out somehow by not offering you meat products that I know you will make a big deal out of not eating– that attitude just makes you come off as a permanent window licker on the short bus of life, its just rude.

I thought that was it, but I have one more: Under no circumstances are you EVER to claim to be a strict vegan with “soy sensitivities” and expect me to cater to your bizarre dietary claims with anything other than a good stout bowl of oatmeal and a look of piercing disdain mixed with a pinch of distrust.